The Crossroads

So many times in life I have looked at the road less taken and rushed down its more interesting people, adventures and treasures. But the funny thing about it is that at a certain point, it becomes exhausting to run down that road. Who said walking down the road more taken isn't bad once in a while? Enbobados, focused and boring are just about to make me hurl. Vacation is about to start and I find myself at that crossroad once again, hurling myself forward, but alas, I'm on a treadmill and neither road comes into view any faster. When will I write that scipt? When will I make that wine? When will I call the shots? AS she once said....Soon. She wont call me anymore, soon, when she shows up at his door and asks him when...Will I be with you again, it will be her turn to say....Soon...

Thoughts en la madrugada

So, i just finished another advanced baking class, and I am seeing the finish line! i have been soooo very fortunate in the past 6 weeks because I am meeting new people, exploring new relationships, and throwing myself into this whole chef schtick. And you know what? I love it! As all of you know, i didnt think it was the best choice but i sucked it up, shut the fuck up and said fuck it! Whats the worst that can happen? Im out 30k? and I waste a year? Please, suck it up! I feel now more than ever that I really am so grateful that I did go to culinary school. Better yet i was forced to jump ahead to make sure i didnt waste too much time waiting for my turn in the restaurant, more of that to come. So i had advanced garde manger with this whole new class. I only knew one person in that class! And you know what? I fucking loved them! They had idiosyncracies like my previous class. But they had class, they had passion and most of all, they had moxie! I immediately bonded with my girls and now im an honorary white hoodrat and I love them. And as many of you know, i was having severe doubts about this. But this showed me that you never know what fear is robbing you of. People love ignorance because it is bliss but not me, I want to know. So I love my job, my feet dont but thats why dansko is there, and i love school and i love learning! I really see my life unfolding in front of me like never before. I am who i am and people can like it or suck my balls, i mean realistically I can always say "Pop off, son!!" So so i regret moving to dallas? Hell no, its the best thing i have ever done. even at 30, or soon to be 31

More hurdles, this 200m is turning into a 400!

i just spent the last 6 days in an orgy of alcohol and food. New York style pizza, roscoe burgers, tuna sandwiches, cosmos, blueberry lemon drops, champagne,tequila shots, and bacon cheddar burgers on sourdough! It all served to soothe my broken soul. But how do i move on? Previously, I realized that life is full of twists and turns and now it hit me! Damn you! So i didnt get the job that would have made my chaotic life a little less stressful. Now what do i do? where do i begin? What do i yearn for? I know what i love, but then to do that is quite another thing entirely. To become more in debt or try to claw my way out? And the damn enterprise people are taking forever to come pick me up! More to come, I feel love, I see love, but is my black deserted heart a barren wasteland without visitors?

Queenie

Hey! A totally different blogs because i cant but light and dark in the same space. I got a manicure today! Queenie was my salon expert! She massaged and beat me up and kept saying "it feel good?" and "you want hot?" If only she was hot and into happy endings...

Out of the ashes...

So today was the last nail in the coffin that existed in the previous incarnation of El Jefe. This guy is oddly happy! Sure, my car is a wreck, Im jobless, and I would really dig to be a penniless sitar player. But you know, these things are not at the top of my worries list. What i am worried about is love. Isnt it funny? A new friend of mine is dissing me tonight, i wonder what i did? And i had yet another chat about how im dead inside. So i ask the main question, "How do you know if you are dead inside?" Well i know im dead inside because i cant feel those incredible highs i once felt as a young boy of 20. I find myself yearning for simpler days. Where crushes were crushes and you felt like you were flying through the air. What ever happened to those days? Am i bitter? Have i truly lost that sparkle i always prided myself on? Have i truly lost all the faith and hope in serendipity that I no longer can muster emotional responses? or are they a defense mechanism? can i replace the half dead? One only hopes... and in doing so, does that mean I do?

Rebirth

Isnt it funny when the chaos clears in your head and you finally have a plan and you feel like youre set, right? But thats exactly when you should fear the worst. So i have my next 2 years planned, i get to stay in Dallas and explore my loves, tour, wine and food. Now this is exactly what you should never do. When you make sense of the chaos.com thats when life will throw you a wrench, mostly because she is so bitter, but also because she likes to fuck with people. I can dig that as all of you who know me know. Now, the question lies, when you are trying to solve the chaos and you succeed, should you never have done that as its a self-defeating prophecy? Fuck no, because I have many many scenarios planned in my head, and what i perceive to be the wrench is actually something I have an eventuality for. BUT when that wrench does finally come, ill be crying like the little bitch i am... Nightey night cruel world, hello sweet oblivion, out of the ashes I am the phoenix

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

A wise woman once said, women are for friendship, men are for fucking. But does that include fucking over? Something that has always perplexed me is the ability of people to manipulate a situation and think they have done it without anyone realizing they were the puppeteers. I mean, please, i see the strings! So when does it become necessary to let loose with all barrels?
Once again, im faced with the same dilema, is it okay to let the ego decide for the sake of momentary sanity? I have had many beautiful disasters lately and ive had yet another. While i was sad at first i began to realize something. Every single unforseen and tragic happening has turned out to be some rebirth in disguise. Will the streak continue? Or will it all come tumbling down like a house of cards? I sit and ponder the HDTV that will soon filter through my television.