More hurdles, this 200m is turning into a 400!

i just spent the last 6 days in an orgy of alcohol and food. New York style pizza, roscoe burgers, tuna sandwiches, cosmos, blueberry lemon drops, champagne,tequila shots, and bacon cheddar burgers on sourdough! It all served to soothe my broken soul. But how do i move on? Previously, I realized that life is full of twists and turns and now it hit me! Damn you! So i didnt get the job that would have made my chaotic life a little less stressful. Now what do i do? where do i begin? What do i yearn for? I know what i love, but then to do that is quite another thing entirely. To become more in debt or try to claw my way out? And the damn enterprise people are taking forever to come pick me up! More to come, I feel love, I see love, but is my black deserted heart a barren wasteland without visitors?

Queenie

Hey! A totally different blogs because i cant but light and dark in the same space. I got a manicure today! Queenie was my salon expert! She massaged and beat me up and kept saying "it feel good?" and "you want hot?" If only she was hot and into happy endings...

Out of the ashes...

So today was the last nail in the coffin that existed in the previous incarnation of El Jefe. This guy is oddly happy! Sure, my car is a wreck, Im jobless, and I would really dig to be a penniless sitar player. But you know, these things are not at the top of my worries list. What i am worried about is love. Isnt it funny? A new friend of mine is dissing me tonight, i wonder what i did? And i had yet another chat about how im dead inside. So i ask the main question, "How do you know if you are dead inside?" Well i know im dead inside because i cant feel those incredible highs i once felt as a young boy of 20. I find myself yearning for simpler days. Where crushes were crushes and you felt like you were flying through the air. What ever happened to those days? Am i bitter? Have i truly lost that sparkle i always prided myself on? Have i truly lost all the faith and hope in serendipity that I no longer can muster emotional responses? or are they a defense mechanism? can i replace the half dead? One only hopes... and in doing so, does that mean I do?